|  It's obviously been a year and 5 days since I've ever written a blog on my Xanga. Oddly, I was debating if I should write a blog on here or Blogger. I know there are still active members that are close to me locally that would know my secrets and perhaps somehow spread them around and cause some unnecessary trouble or even have a different view of me. Which is something I don't want to happen. BUT alas, since I am writing on here anyways I might as well spill my mind.
Now, you can say it's been almost a good year that I haven't needed to blog about my dear emotions-- that I could normally handle them on my own. Which was true for the most part. I had people to hear me out, back me up and comfort me with a hug and smile at hand. I never needed a blog during that time span, if I really wanted to write down my feelings I felt rather lazy to do so. I've realized now that I should become more independent of those loving people and somehow console myself. Somehow tell myself that it'll be okay, rationally think and keep positive. Sometimes I wonder how people do it -- become so independent, knowingly to handle their problems like an adult and not running to people like a wuss.
Lately I've begun to question myself if I'm really over this guy that I had truly loved for a year and a half. I felt just last October that I have finally got over him. I supposed I have no loving feelings for this dude but I feel more of regret, hate, spite and even jealousy towards him. Then again, me obsessing right now, even it's been about a year and a half since I've ended things -- somehow it still catches up to me. I think about him, and I compare situations with the current fling that I'm in right now, how I feel like him and this current guy is like me. I feel like an asshole -- He was an asshole to me. How the current guy just seems to take all my abuse and that's what I did when I was with my past "lover". It's like some sort of vicious cycle that's going on and never seems to be never-ending. It was just recently I had some sort of consultation with him, we had coffee and a local Starbucks and I evidentially talked about my currently love problems. Eventually the conversation waved towards our regular loves lives, and him talking about his current love strikes. I felt like I was asking to get for it (and I swear I though I could handle it), and the truth really does hurt. Even if it did hurt, atleast it was nice enough to know the truth and to never find someone like him. I swear it's like the epitome of someone you should never find in a long term partner. He's just good for being amusement and for fucking (although I've never gotten a piece of that, let alone I've never got a piece of anyone ever) Like always, he's cheating on his girlfriend with another girl. But I suppose one good thing about that is that it's with a girl he seriously likes. He hasn't liked anyone like this before since his first girlfriend. He seemed to be doing rather peachy in life and it kind of bothered me. With that thought in mind, I felt alittle hurt, knowingly that he never truly liked me during our duration of our "relationship" after all the things I've done for him. I felt like I've done far more things than everyone has ever done in his lifetime! For example, answers his phone calls during odd hours of the night, hear his bitching about life and how he wants to die, buy him presents on Christmas and birthdays, comply to his demands, and even save his damn life from killing himself. What do I get out of this? Experience? Perhaps, but even so, I get SHIT, NOTHING, NADA, ZIPPPPP! No love whatsoever. This began to rekindle a really nice and great insecurity inside of me (and some sort of spitefulness to take revenge) Whilst this is happening, I began to question my new fling just urging to break it off seeing that I'm no condition to manage on with the mindset I have. Ah well, love never seems to be on my side anyways.
Other than that, my current worries is about going to Medical School. Reading various things that I could still continue pursuing my BA in Psychology and apply to Medical School. Although it may sounds like extreme common sense, but it's dire for me to take ALL science courses and math courses in order to apply to Medical School. Seeing that it's already my second year into college and doing all these courses I should have already done, I feel it's alittle too late for me now. But I still want to become a psychiatrist! Somehow I'll make it work out, somehow I'll peruse my dreams. ONE DAY I WILL BECOME THAT GREAT PSYCHIATRIST THAT I WANT TO BE.
Until next time. |
Happy belated Valentines Day! 
I wrote this on my birthday last year on my other blog and I wanted to post it on here. 
Sometimes I wonder how you are doing..